who will guard the guardians?

dear friend: #3

Dear Friend,

The hurt you feel is absolute, legitimate and real. I do not have profound answers for you, or empty promises of hope. I cannot conjure words or actions to alleviate what is in your mind and heart, and I will not attempt to.
All I can offer is an experience and an idea that I grasped far too late. Consider it or ignore it as you will, and in anticipation of my shortcomings – forgive me.
But for what it’s worth:

An experience:
Last week during a shift in Emergency, a mother carried in her 6 year old girl with a gash in her arm – it was deep, bleeding and clearly needed stitches. Once we had cleaned the wound and stopped the bleeding, the time came to sew the skin back together. Up until this point, although she was in pain the girl was pretty comfortable being assessed and treated. As a precaution though, I was asked to make sure she didn’t move as the Emergency Doctor gave the local anaesthetic and stitched the wound shut.

For the next ten minutes I found myself firmly gripping the girls wrists while a nurse held her legs; it was all we could do to keep her still. Her mother was by her side, reassuring her that it would end, that she loved her and that this had to happen for the pain to go away. All the while the girl crying- ‘mummy, make them stop.’

I still haven’t forgotten the look in this girls eyes as the anaesthetic needle and sutures pierced the skin. Pain, confusion and abandonment were written across her face as she looked up at her mother and begged for an end.

Of course, the end came. Of course, she was fine. Of course, she remembered afterwards that her mother loved her more than anything in the world. But in that moment, anything would have been better than the pain of being fixed. Anything.

An Idea:
Reaching a depth of emotional desolation in which you come to accept that there is no way you could ever feel worse – is the most comfortable yet dangerous realisation you can make. I do not suggest such depths are avoidable, you know all too well this is not true. However, passively accepting the way things are and dwelling permanently in your suffering is overwhelmingly destructive, and will ruin you to your core.

‘I am already ruined, I can feel no worse’.  – you’ll say. I do not deny it, but that doesn’t mean your heart and mind are beyond redemption. On the contrary, the turmoil you are experiencing is evidence that redemption is still possible.

A heart feeling nothing, that has given up beating and is resigned to it’s fate – is as good as dead. A Cardiologist can fix a heart that stops beating temporarily, or even loses a supplying artery. But no Doctor ever made a heart of stone, beat. The fact that you feel, hurt and mourn your condition means healing is possible. The moment your heart hardens to the point of complete emotional indifference, you are in grave danger.C.S Lewis talks about the cost of letting go of hope, and ceasing to love – a decision he likens to locking your heart in a coffin.

‘…in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – your heart will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.’

I know you’re saturated in despair, but you haven’t lost everything just yet. You still feel, and in that heartbreaking reality lies hope. 

I know the despairing realisation that you’ve hit rock bottom. Where you are now this may sound incredibly foolish; but I hope you can find truth in it somehow; Rock bottom is comfortable. Not comforting, not bearable and certainly not sustainable. But it’s comfortable.

You find something poetic about the state you’re in don’t you. You’ve embraced the suffering and heartache, and amazingly that momentarily relieves the anxiety you feel about the present. The future still scares you, the past still haunts you – but finally the present is bearable. I can’t implore you enough to not resign yourself to dwelling in your comfortable pit of despair. Don’t let your fear of the future force you to bury your heart, hope and health in a grave of self-pity.

You tell yourself that trying to recover would mean more pain, more effort and wasted energy. Reaching out would require vulnerability and acknowledging weakness. It seems counterintuitive, but the loneliest and darkest moments where you make no attempt at recovery are easiest. Not getting out of bed, not pursuing friendships, not exercising, not eating, not studying, not reaching out for help from those around you.

Life is still absolute hell, but it’s comfortable there. The prospect of trying to break free of your sickness is too great, impossible, and you’re convinced that you’re better off as you are. I beg you to reconsider! Slowly your heart will begin to rot. In that comfortable little coffin where you’ve given up on healing and redemption your heart will ultimately stop caring, loving, hoping.

Easy? yes.
Comfortable? yes.
Redeemable? barely.

I am desperate for you to know that recovery and redemption are possible. But it is not without great cost. Consider this 6 year old girl, lying in the Emergency Department with a gash in her arm. For now, with a bit of pain relief and distraction she would be comfortable. Sure it hurt a little, and stopped her from doing certain things. But it wasn’t excruciating, it was bearable. The prospect of a needle and stitches seemed like the hardest and most painful thing in the world, and she literally kicked and screamed trying to stop us.

Why then did we do what we did? Because for the time being, her wound was healable. It wasn’t beyond hope. We knew that if we cleaned it, sewed it back together and bandaged it up; it would heal fully. In years time she would have no remnant of it beyond a small scar to remind her not to play tip in the kitchen.

What if we had saved her the excruciating pain of the needle and stitches? What if we gave her the most comfortable treatment of rest and pain relief? The wound would eventually become infected. It would rot and turn gangrenous. The infection would become systemic and deadly. Those stitches in all likelihood saved her life.

Trying to get better is not easy. It is excruciating.

Choosing to exercise, sort out your sleep, eat healthier, see friends when you’d rather be alone - these things aren’t easy. They are excruciating. You will resent every step you take - every meal you force down, every event you make yourself to attend, every alarm clock you set, every forced run. But slowly, very slowly your mind will thank you, and your body object less fervently.

Choosing to see your doctor, talk with a psychologist, even to start medication if necessary; isn’t easy. Acknowledging weakness and putting yourself at the mercy of a pill is humbling; sharing your most guilt-ridden thoughts with a stranger can be humiliating. But not accepting the help of those who understand the disease which plagues you, is as futile as staring at a broken leg and willing it to heal.

Choosing to reach out to those who care for you isn’t easy. It’s excruciating. Making yourself vulnerable, risking embarrassment and rejection isn’t comfortable. Sharing your story will tear your heart open in all the places you swore to keep safe and protected. But it’s this catharsis that leads to understanding, support and safety.

‘You cannot control or change how you feel. But you can control the decisions you make in spite of your feelings.’

I desperately want you to forgo the comfort of your desolate situation, and begin to make the excruciating decisions to that lead to healing. Once you begin, once you reach out, once you take that initial step – you are not alone. You will suddenly find people around you holding your hand, and cheering you on.

I cannot promise that it will be simple or quick, in fact I promise that it won’t be. I cannot promise that people will always understand what you’re going through, or how hard the choices you make are. They usually won’t. I cannot promise there won’t be failures, setbacks, and relapses. Again, I can guarantee them.

I can however promise you this.

This is not the end of your story. 
Your heart and mind are not beyond redemption.
You are dearly loved, and you do not have to be alone on this road.  
Your life is something worth fighting for. Worth waking up for each morning.  

A day will come when you are well enough to write yourself this letter.

I write this to you, because this past month, for the first time in 2 years I’ve felt Happiness. Joy. Peace. Hope. Imperfect glimpses to be sure, but as refreshing as Springs beginning after an eternal Winter. 
Until this day, for the next two years of your pain – look at the quote on your wall each morning…

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying ‘I will try again tomorrow’.

It’s truly beautiful from this side, and worth the struggle. 
I promise. 
matty.

dear friend: #2

The crazy little irony that I hesitate to begin with for fear of trivialising something that is overbearingly serious; is that loneliness is one of the most common human emotions. If you are lonely, you are not alone in feeling that way. It’s a paradox which I acknowledge brings absolutely no comfort, but it gives us some grounding to work from.

I spend a lot of time observing people. Though I may spend 45 minutes reading at my local café most days, really only 30 of those are spent looking at my book. A good, cheeky ‘people watch’ between pages has become a bit of a habit (slightly creepy I acknowledge), but I really have had a lot of opportunity to observe a lot of people, and have noticed a few things. Something I have been struck by is that loneliness is an emotion that does not discriminate. It doesn’t have a favourite type of person, a stock victim which it likes picking on the most. It arbitrarily devastates; and does so relentlessly. Loneliness doesn’t care for age, background, life stage, success or popularity. In some people it is much harder to decipher than in others; whilst many fight to keep the façade of comfort and confidence alive, others are completely resigned to the fact that they are alone. Loneliness is palpable in more people than you could imagine.

From the 10 year old alone in the playground at lunch; to the 17 year old girl with 400 friends but nobody she can trust. From the single barista working day in, day out with no sense of purpose or direction who desperately longs for someone to share life with; to the married family man who lies awake for hours each night next to the woman he no longer loves wondering why he feels numb even when surrounded by people who care for him. My two grandmothers having lost their soul mates and lovers of over 50 years, spending each day searching for hope in dull routine, royal weddings and grandchildren who don’t call back as often as they ought. My sister who just broke up with her boyfriend and painfully wonders if she did the right thing. Myself, spending night after night being torn between the deep and desperate longing for my heart to let me trust again; and the irrevocable evidence I have etched into my memory that people cannot be trusted. You, left utterly disillusioned by the pursuit of freedom and liberation; betrayed by the discovery that; as you so aptly described: ‘freedom just means loneliness, and waking up with a bad taste in your mouth.’

It is not just you, or us, or some of the people we know. Humanity is lonely – this fact we cannot escape. When you feel alone, please do not believe that you are alone in feeling so. Please do not interpret any of that as me saying that your pain is insignificant, or not important. Rather, I am going in quite the opposite direction. The desperate desire that burns in your heart; this is a pain which is of indisputable importance.  

                                 *              *             *              *             *

Allow me to indulge for a moment in a slight reversal of my usual way of doing things. Hear me out with a little analogy first, and then I’ll attempt to give it some sense and meaning.

The common cold is an incredibly aptly named illness. It is very common indeed, for all of us from time to time to find ourselves with the sniffles, a bit of a cough and a throbbing headache. In fact anybody who hasn’t experienced these symptoms at some point in their life; I’m boldly going to claim has not lived much of a life at all. It is a price we pay for going outside, shaking peoples hands, going to music festivals and dancing in the rain.

Now, considering you did better at HSC Biology than me, I’m going to assume this wont go far over your head. When you score a pathogen in your system that wants to wreak havoc, you’re body kicks into gear and starts a full frontal attack on the cheeky little invaders; and unfortunately you are left with a runny nose, sore throat and a headache which is very very annoying. Now, no matter how frustrating the symptoms of your body’s fight back are, the fact that your nose is runny is actually a very good sign. It reminds you that you’re body was meant to be healthy and the current deviation from that state is considered unacceptable and you’re immune system is simply doing the dirty work to get you back to normal.

However, sometimes the symptoms get in the way and cause so much discomfort that you are almost entirely debilitated and in order for you to get by, a very natural choice is to pump some heavy duty killers into your system to kill the headache, take some cough syrup for your throat and carry a pack of tissues for your nose. Now, for the girl who makes me sandwiches at subway it might seem as though these measures are actually fighting off the cold itself – and understandably so. Every time she has a cold and takes painkillers, the cold slowly goes away incidentally. However, the two of us know that ultimately – even if you took a multitude of paracetamol and wrapped your scull in tissue paper; if you’re immune system isn’t functioning then your cold isn’t going anywhere. Treating the symptoms helps you ‘get by’ in the meantime, but overall will do you no service whatsoever in destroying the cheeky little pathogen floating around in your body. In fact – the painkillers can actually slow this process down, since you’re body might be tricked into thinking that you are actually improving and scale back it’s offensive. If you didn’t have to work, study and have a life – really the most efficient way to get over your cold would be to rest and sleep lots, and drink a crap load of water.

So what of it?

I am of the firm belief that loneliness is not the emotional state that we were created for. I am under the impression that it is a very acute departure from the way we are wired as humans; and this accounts party for why it hurts so frikken bad. My philosophy is not crash hot so bear with me: but if there was no such thing as community and true relationship, and loneliness was what we were destined for from the beginning – then we would feel normal and not lonely at all. It is the fact that our hearts have strayed from their rightful state that simply doesn’t sit right with us. This sentiment is best put by my buddy C.S.Lewis, and although he wasn’t specifically aiming at this concept, his words are very applicable:

‘A man doesn’t call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. A man wouldn’t call the world unjust if he wasn’t meant to know of justice. We couldn’t find the world bad if we weren’t meant to know of anything else. A man feels wet in water because he isn’t a water animal. We feel earths injustice because we simply are not made for earth’

(I took the liberty of paraphrasing him).

Loneliness is the price we pay for longing for something more – and underneath the pain, this is reason for hope.

There is something inherently wrong with being alone. This is not how things are meant to be. It is a very depressing realisation; however deep underneath the grief somewhere I believe there is hope. When we start feeling lousy and get the sniffles and a headache, we know that we have departed from health and fallen victim to the common cold. If we were born with a runny nose and a sore throat, then how would we ever have known that we could have life any other way? The fact that you feel like crap when you are sick; really can be cause for celebration that your body isn’t content with sickness and is fighting for change. My first point here is that feeling lonely, although it breaks your heart into a million tiny pieces – just serves as a reminder that you were made for something more.

Now along with the deeper and more profound sense of being alone that you and I both feel – there are a bunch of symptoms that exhibit themselves and want to FSU. From my own experience, I have found that the majority of my pain has come from these symptoms and their relentless determination to remind me over and over of just how alone I am. The loneliness itself sort of lies under the surface and rarely shows it’s face; just like the pathogen itself actually isn’t very observable at all – it is the symptoms that really tell you that you have a cold. What really breaks my heart each day is the desperate desire I have to be close to a girl; the overwhelming temptation to not resist the advances of unfairly pretty girls who are clearly too drunk to know that I’m the last person they should be wanting to kiss. For a moment, holding her close to me, having her touch me and tell me that I’m valued and needed would be a massive win over my loneliness. The symptom of desire for affection at any cost that I feel would be quite successfully treated in that moment – but as you say ‘that freedom just means more loneliness’. The next day, I would still be on my own – with nothing but another memory and proof that I don’t have anybody by my side after all. The emptiness that you describe would ultimately be just that little bit stronger.

I don’t think you would dispute that momentary affection and fleeting hook ups are the painkillers that you’ve been addicted to. It is the painkiller that I struggle to leave on the shelf every weekend. But I am convinced that real comfort and true relationship cannot be found in the arms of strangers. The painkillers will relieve your headache for a few hours or so, but when they wear off you are just as sick as you were before; and moreover will have stalled your recovery from the cold that you’re trying so hard to get rid of.

So we have a choice: do we spend our lives fighting off the symptoms of our loneliness by gratifying our desires for fleeting affection? Or do we approach it from a different angle entirely – acknowledging that the hurt we feel is real and painful but a hopeful sign that we were made for more? We were not designed to be alone, and these current symptoms just go to show us that we are being readied for the relationship and community that we were created for. For the last few years, you’ve been “the single, floozy girl who gets drunk and kisses all the boys – in search of ‘freedom’”. But I believe you were made for more – and I believe you have begun to realise that.

Will you join me in holding on tight to the hope that one day the cold will go away? That there will be a point in time when the pathogen and all the symptoms it causes will be distant history and you can once more find the joy you’ve been searching for? Can you believe me when I say that there will come a time after the storm; after the loneliness and despair; when you find yourself in love with a man who cares for you like no other and treasures you with a depth that you cannot even begin to imagine right now.

You say that you cannot be alone anymore – I feel that too; I understand that. But please; with all my heart I implore you - until that day comes when you are no longer on your own; please choose to be patient. Please choose to rest, sleep and drink lots of water and let your body bring you back to health. Leave the painkillers on the shelf. Because I am convinced that you will find love, and loneliness will bring you despair no more.

You say that nobody wants you. I disagree.

You say you would make a terrible girlfriend. I disagree.

You say that you can’t wait any longer. I disagree. Hold onto the hope that one day you will come to know the love and relationship you were created for and this devastating loneliness would leave you be.

I cannot stop thinking of the song ‘after the storm’ by Mumford & Sons; and I want to leave you with a few words from them.

‘And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.’

I care about you; and I want you to be ok. One day you will find love. Until that day – join me in finding that little glimpse of hope underneath all of the pain. This will not last forever; I beg you to believe me.

        dear friend: In your loneliness, you are not alone.

        love matty.

uni, freedom and genie pants.

Do you remember year 7 mufti days? Do you remember trying to find the t-shirt with the biggest ‘Billabong’ symbol on it and the boardies that had the best pattern and made it look as though you surfed every day? I might have been the only one, in which case this will prove to be a rather embarrassing revelation; but all I remember from mufti days from the beginning of high school, was that if you were to be in any way cool – you had the biggest surf symbol, newest shoes and most colourful boardies which you had absolutely no intention of wearing around your waist.  There was a formula, and the closer you were to it’s exact sum, the cooler you were.

Do you remember a slow transition as year 7 became year 10, and year 10 moved into year 12? Slowly, yet very predictably people started to ditch the big branded, overstated shirts and the really cool kids were the ones who were wearing clothes which really didn’t scream ‘yeah, I surf – what of it?’. I think it was a lot more tangible for girls, and I’ll apologise in advance for my ignorance of everything fashion orientated. Once upon a time the girls who I was most attracted to were the ones who looked the most like the posters on the walls of Beach Street; but very subtly by the time year 11 had hit; the girl who didn’t need to look like everybody else and was completely comfortable wearing some unannounced and quietly interesting dress was the one who caught my eye the most.

But I suppose I could be the only one; after all, I am most attracted to a girl with long hair wearing a band shirt and volleys. So if you disagree with the above, then please feel quite free to stop reading and go make a milkshake or something.

My point however is that in my experience, there was a time when the more aligned with what everyone else was doing, thinking, wearing and listening to you were, the cooler you were. By year 12 that was almost absolutely out the window; but it only hit me over the back of the head during my last year and a little at uni. And I’ll elaborate, just to be clear.

The thing which I love the most about University, and life after 18, is that ultimately, the coolest and most attractive people, are the ones who are most like themselves.

Whatever they wear, listen to, think and follow; if they are 100% content to be who they are, that’s cool. There is a profound sense of authenticity and genuineness which plays itself out in the lives of some people at uni; and those are the people who I find myself most drawn towards. In fact, the few remaining kids who are determined to still slot right into whatever category and style they think is going to make them the most admirers; are actually tragically funny. But absolutely, the coolest people who thrive the most at uni are the ones who are most comfortable in who they are, whatever that is for them. If that means having 15 tattoos and spacers, then so be it. If that looks like being proud of a love of reading and poetry, or unashamedly wearing genie pants to class; or listening to The Ramones and not caring if they suck in everyone else’s eyes. If that’s who you are, then do it, be it, wear it, thrive on it.

There is no doubt in my mind that the coolest people I know, are the ones who are most like themselves. So one basic yet vital question remains: Who are you; underneath everything else, who are you?

Because the freedom that comes from simply being yourself; and finding joy in that is unquestionably the best and most exciting aspect of life after school I have found.

Find out who you are; and take pride in it. Because at the rawest of levels, you are a lot more interesting than you might think. At least I think so.

today//tomorrow

today i was present to celebrate the life of Peter Vaartjes, along with hundreds of others who likely knew him far greater than i did. It was a privilege to be there. 

today i watched a young man bravely farewell his best friend, with a strength that i genuinely admire and respect. 

today my heart broke to see a father say goodbye to his only son, moved to tears by a sincere overwhelming grief which i can not comprehend.

today i was confronted with the fact that life is fleeting, a breath. A breath which by all accounts, Pete did not waste or take for granted.

today i was convinced that in his 21 years, Peter drew in that breath with an enthusiasm and joy that seldom grown men can contest.

—

tomorrow i will wake up with a new sense of gratitude, for every moment i am given.

tomorrow i will love, full stop.

tomorrow i will damn my pride and forgive; i will screw my complacency and trust.

tomorrow i will endeavor to learn more, grow more, run more, read more and smile more. i will get off my ass and do something.

‘this world is where i breathe, let it never be called home’.

    tomorrow will not last forever.

            tomorrow i will not forget that.

Peter Vaartjes; thankyou.

dear friend:

The funky thing about truth is, that it doesn’t stop to check with you whether you are ok with it or not. You could call it rude even, because as far as truth goes, you don’t get a look in. For the purposes of simplicity, I’ll slot truth into two categories; external/tangible truths, and internal/personal truths.

Tangible truths: are things that are true for all people in all times and all places. There is no altering them, and denying them can only be a sign of insanity. No matter how much you tell yourself that two and two is five, or how strongly you wish it wasn’t; there is nothing you can do to change the fact that two and two is four. Too bad Mario, get on with life. Regardless of how much you wish that gravity wasn’t real, or force yourself to believe that gravity is not a true concept; if you jump up in the air you will come back down. Sorry Susan, but it’s just not up to you.

Personal truths: are different between people, and can be complete opposites between two people and still both entirely true. I believe that Underoath make the most powerful music on the earth today.  You believe that they do not. Both of these things are completely true. But what is not permitted with personal truths, is to decide for somebody else what is true to them. I cannot say (or at least I cannot be right to say) – ‘you love hardcore music more than any other genre’. It’s your truth, and it belongs to you alone. I can no sooner decide what music you like, than I can decide what colour your eyes are. It is completely beyond me, and any attempt to suggest otherwise is simply silly.

Now both types of truth are not negotiable, except for the person who owns them.

The creator of physics, biology, mathematics, medicine, biochemistry, musicality, gravity, language, colour and everything else you can see, feel, taste, hear and learn about owns those truths. You can argue all you like, but it will be in vain. ILikewise, the Author of personal thoughts, feelings and truths inside a persons head is the one who owns them. Nobody has the right to make you feel something without your consent, nor can you tell them they believe something they do not believe. The author of a personal truth owns that truth, and has absolute autonomy over it.

I may not own much, but I own a few truths. I hope you will allow me to indulge myself and tell you a few things that I, matt mcalpine believe to be true:

- I think you are a smart, insightful, lovely and sincere girl who can and will do big things for this world.

- I know that I consider you to be a true friend, and I care for and love you deeply.

- I know that your family love you for who you are, care for you and long for you to be ok. Their lives would not be the same without you.

- I sincerely believe that your mum, myself and many of your friends would die for you in an instant, and value your existence so much. Your pain and hurt does not go unnoticed; it breaks our heart to see.

- I know that you have friends in your life who love your company and would be devastated if you were not in our lives.

You are loved. You are cared for. You are valued. Life is better when you are around.

These are not truths that you can deny, because they do not belong to you. If you ever find yourself trying to steal them for yourself and changing or denying them, don’t. After all; just like gravity, or maths; arguing against them is rather silly.

Hang in there buddy, you are not alone.

Love matty

To Do in 2011 

Stay alive.
Keep the Faith.
Love, regardless. 
Pass second year Medicine.
Search for and delight in peace.
Listen, think, speak. In that order. 
Maintain true friendships. 
Run far and run often. 
Read more fiction. 

{in order of priority}.

2010 in 7 songs…

1. Brothers On A Hotel Bed - Death Cab For Cutie

2. Yellow Brick Road - Angus & Julia Stone

3. From The Sky - Peter Bradley Adams

4. When Paula Sparks - Copeland

5. 23 - Jimmy Eat World

6. Careful Where You Stand (acoustic) - Coldplay

7. Sway - Lostprophets

check out the two other posts similar to this one for more background, but basically a while back i thought it would be cool to create a playlist at the end of each year with the 7 songs which summed up my year best. this with the intention that one day i could look back and listen to these songs and hear what that year sounded like to me, and remember the songs which resonated best with me for those years. 

2010 has been without question the hardest and most significant year of my life, however the songs i’ve chosen are both a mixture of that desparation and also the hope i’ve found hidden somewhere within it all. enjoy friends :)

2009 in 7 songs:

for the background to this, see the previous post for 2008. 

very long story short; music really resonates with me. for some people, a smell can rekindle an entire memory and sentiment, whilst for others a particular book might remind them of a certain phase of life. for me, that trigger is music. music so perfectly reflects the way that i feel and the experiences that i have, so much so that i want to sortof capture each year in 7 songs, to serve as a perpetual timeframe of what once was. 

depending on how well you know me, you might have some insight into why each song is here; but regardless, if you have these songs and listen to them in order, hopefully you will get a glimpse of how i experienced the year. 

2009 in 7 songs:

1. Oceans - Playjerise

2. Sleeper 1972 - Manchester Orchestra

3. Times - Tenth Avenue North

4. Louder Than Thunder - The Devil Wears Prada

5. Small Enough - Nichole Nordeman 

6. When You Were Young - William Fitzsimmons

7. Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez. 

2008 in 7 songs:

So in 2008, on a whim or something along those lines i made the choice to record my favorite 7 songs each year. I suppose i thought it would be pretty cool in a few years time to be able to look back and listen to different years and how they sounded to me. So during the year, I put songs that were meaningful to me into a playlist; and at the end i culled and rearranged until i had the 7 songs which affected me the most, or which summed up the year most accurately. I did the same in 2009; and this year i already have about 10 songs which are on the potential list; and i’ll decide upon which ones will be sealed in the playlist when the new year comes. Until now; they’ve been kept to myself, but i figure tumblr is the sort of place a list like this belongs.

So here are the 7 songs which sum up my 2008:

1. Breathing In A New Mentality - Underoath

2. In A Memory - The Butterfly Effect

3. C.S. Lewis Song - Brooke Fraser

4. You Only Hide… - Something for Kate

5. You And I - Freedom1

6. Storm (acoustic) - Lifehouse

7. Smoke ‘Em If Ya Got ‘Em - Parkway Drive

if you happen to have all 7 songs; listen to them from start to finish in that order…it’s pretty cool. if you knew me at all; maybe you’ll even be able to tell why i included some of them.

anyway; stay tuned for 2009 in a month or so, and 2010 at the end of the year :)

love matty.